dilfgod:

you’re home early

waitress: *fills his glass with ice water*
me: *watches thot ass waitress pour a lil too much water for my liking*
me: you want my man or something?
her: wh-wat?
me: i'm just trying to figure out why u pour his glass first? im closer? why his water got so much ice?
me: I mean the glass already sweating bitch why u think he so dehydrated? im the only bitch who put ice in his glass.
me: everybody else got 3 ice square cubes and he got 5 circle ones bitch u think u slick huh? a circle for every minute u gon suck his dick huh? spelling out morris code for u can raw me in ice cubes huh?
him: aye calm down
me: nah cause she wanna give u 5 ice circles for what? its 72 degrees and mild 1 ice wud have been just fine. bitch gimme a male waiter--matta fact bitch when u get off cause its one too many ice circles and u think fat meat aint greasy

deadeliving:

Me every time a develop any sort of feeling towards humans

perks-of-being-chinese:

 

Harrison Ford Won’t Answer Star Wars Questions [x]

gokuma:

autumnramble:

I want to die and be born again as a full hobbit.

I think hobbit metabolism work differently than human…

scribebynight:

chevy-raised-jack-daniels-fed:

ultrafunnypictures:

This is getting ridiculous…

what is so wrong with a regular phone case?!

R̶̭̹͙̮̻̖͍̣͙͙̯͙̫͚͉̃̑̃̿̎̌̍̌̉̔̆̈́́́͠͡ͅͅI̴̩̹͎͙͖͕̝̟̼͒̃̍̇͒͌̈́̊͘N̵̸̶͉͚̣̝͎̼̯̮̹̤̥̬͚ͧ́̀͗ͫ̒͑̎̀̋̌̇̓̌͛͜͝ͅG̨̖̝̰͎͇̙̱̫͙̬̥̦͍̀ͣͯ̚ͅ ̡̹̣͇̻͔̦̻̹̦̤̙̭̼̟̘̣̭̮̿̐ͧͧ̓͂̇̉̿̓̆͆̏̀͟R̿́ͧ̀̿ͪ̆͊͌̇ͪͭͨ͛̿ͨ̾̉̀͏̴̹͓̰̗̭̙͇̬̹̱͎̣̳͎̻̀͡Í̷̵̂̉́̏͝͡҉̹̲͓̠̱͉̰̻͍̳͔͈̙̪̻̱̺N͐ͬͫ̊͐ͫ͜͞҉̨̫͙̹̱̗̥̖̥̖̺̠͇̱̤̤̯̞̹̖G̴͖͚̳̣͈ͩ̅͐̏ͬ́ͩ̅ͫ̆͌̑̎͑͗̏͠͝ ̵̦̤͓̫̲͇̺̩͇ͤ̓͑̽͘͢͠R̸̡͇̻̩̮̱̖̱͉͇̜̲̉̏̄̈̇̽͊͛̈̂̈́̋̃̇͑̀͜͠I̳̠͍͕͈̟̖̘̹ͥ͛̈͑ͬͪͤͮ̾͒̀͞N̷͈͚̩͇͈͎͍͔̥̖̠ͬ̓ͮ̋̓̃͛ͥ͗͋ͬ̓ͭ͂͡G̢̛̭̟͙͕̬̜̙̻͕̣̗̲̒̈͊̋̑͗͛̾ͬ̈́̆̅ͫ͢͠ ̫͚̣̖̤̥̞͖͈̥͔̫̩͉͍͍͉̐̔̎̆ͯ͆͆ͩ̅̄ͮ͗͞R̷̨̧̧̹̻̭̱̮͎̜̖̩̋͆ͫ̐ͧ̃ͥ̅ͭͣ̏ͣ͛͋͂̋I̪͇͔͈͚͒͋̂͒ͪ̓̅̓̂͆͘͟͟͝Nͪ̂̏ͧ͛̓͐̓͐ͨͥ̕̕͟͏͖̙̟̲̝̳̫̪̘G̸̨̣͕̬̼̤͚̳̻͖̥̝̍̏͆ͤ̊̉ͭ̊ͮ́̕ ̶̷̷͈̰̝͎̘͔̬͓̖͇̦͈͍̬̭̲ͦ͛̆̇̓ͩ̐ͯ͢͝ͅB͉̫̘ͩ̓ͥ̉͋̄̈ͫͪ̑͐̊͠Ả̡̨̟̬̰̤͙̪̙͚̲̱͙̺͈̬̜̜ͦ̆͂ͪ̂ͥͪ̑ͅN̷̛̘̜̜̻̓͗ͦ̔̉̎̆̓̇̇̽ͫ̊̋͝A̭͎̮̠̝͓͕̙̩͉̤̣͓͈͒͐̈̃͌̑̓̌ͯͣͪ͗ͬ͗ͦ̃ͮ̾ͮ͜͠Ṉ̷̨̬̜̜̭͙̩͉͎̯͇͙̱̦͇͚̐̏̐͐͐̍̍ͫ̈̾̒̒̑̇̄͂̓̎́A̫͈̘͓̠̼͇͓̖̼̖̤̯̘͑̍́̐ͦͩ̈́͂ͭ̊͌̈͑́́̚͞͞͠ ̸̹̘̦̠̝̺̼̲͉̞͉͔̩̺̫͓̺̩͑ͭ̔́ͧ̒͊ͮ̋̈̏͋ͩ̈́͟͝P̸̨͖̝̦̬̲̯̘̣̦̱̣͚͈̻͎̙͗́ͪͥ̌̅͊ͣ̐̍̓̂̊̂́̚͝ͅH̬̭̺̙͙ͮ̿̈́̀͐̄̄̍͊ͦ̊̀ͩ̃̓̚̕͜Ǫ̻̼͚͖̹͍̫͎̹̘͕͓̝̹ͧͨ͋ͬͨ̓̐͛͊͒͘͠ͅN͓̝̞̯̫̞̠̫̗̖͉̹̿ͣ̀̓̃̔̉ͦͫ̒̋ͬͣ̊͊̆͘͝Ế̴̻̲͉̬̯̪̤͙͛͑̐͘͢͢͡

katfuckingkolb:

fatxslut:

Good thing I can experience the lunar eclipse from the comfort of my own bed on the interweb.

Fer real doe

domirine:

love me sten ;A;

 

revolucianado:

revolucianado:

tryin to clean my house and listen to Beyonce at the same time

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I didn’t almost break my neck for 4 notes you fuckers